Self Evolution

Do you sit back and look at life like I do and wonder what version of yourself you really are? Throughout my life, I have been so many different people, sometimes when I look at myself as a whole I am confused a bit by who the actual version of myself I really am is.

As a child, I grew up in a loving, Catholic family. My parents had divorced, and while we moved from Staten Island to Northern New York State, my dad remained in NYC where the rest of my extended family lived. Our family lived meagerly but happily and I would say I had a very well-rounded childhood, an innocent one. Which is what I hope to give my children.

As I grew I would come to realize that my dad was gay and would eventually die. I feel grateful to have been introduced to the gay community at such a young age, especially having grown up in an area like NNY, where it was not very openly acceptable. It certainly set me apart from other kids who maybe thought I didn’t hear the comments they made about our family and gay culture in general but, that really never bothered me as much as maybe it should have. I suppose I chalked their underhanded comments up to naivety and felt a bit sorry for them not understanding.

Throughout middle and high school my dad died (and my grandparents in the same year) I began to come out of my shell a bit and friendships became very important to me. When I look back, I see the connection of how these friendships who always stood by me, without judgment for whatever phase I was in life are the ones I will always feel safest in.

As everyone went off to college, I started my life in fashion. I found myself clinging to the old me, the high school girl from NNY, even as I graced every cover of every major magazine and walked on all the runways. I felt torn at this point in life. I was becoming a supermodel with all of these expectations but, the real me wasn’t sure that was ok.

Fast forward through my life in fashion, eating disorders and being a victim of fairly traumatizing and life altering deceit and theft, I came out feeling a bit like a snowglobe or, one piece of snow in a snowglobe might be more accurate.

Following the cooling-off period I endured, I came out on the other side really just wanting comfort, and honesty and like I wanted to reverse time to my childhood and go back to an innocent life with zero expectations.

My kids love to complain (like I did as a kid and like all kids do) about wanting to be grown-up so you can “do whatever you want”. I find this so maddening, the lack of appreciation and understanding for the gift they have in this short time of being so free and careless. I’m sure my parents felt the same. Truly without a worry in the world. What I would have given to have gotten that back for just a moment.

In what felt like a gift from God himself, as I was trying to navigate my footing in life, I was reacquainted with a guy I had known for some time and had a few years before been on an extremely romantic date in Paris. The timing before hadn’t worked well as we were both in very different places in life but, this time was different and everything clicked for us both. A few weeks after running into each other, I had all but moved myself and my two muddy golden retrievers into his white, clean, and modern West Village apartment. We were and still are two very different people but were both looking for the connection of someone we could love, and trust, someone with good intentions, kindness, and a goal for a well-rounded, well-intentioned life.

As you can imagine, we fell in love, got married, moved to his home state of California and today have four “spirited” sweet children, two golden retrievers, and a wild Maine Coon cat who rules the roost.

Back to my point, I’m really working on figuring out who I am. Am I a girl who came from nothing, living a simple quiet life in Northern New York, the girl who never quite fit in and was always just a little different from everyone else? Or am I a supermodel? A victim? Or am I a wife to a wonderful husband and mom to four kids and three pets who is OCD, forgetful, and a little sloppy? I guess the answer is the same one I give my kids. I can be anyone I want to be. I can hold on to the good parts of the past, and let go of the bad ones. Learn from my mistakes, hopefully. Grow, evolve, and become the person that all my life stories combined have made me into today. Maybe I don’t have to figure it all out. Maybe it’s as simple as, I am me.